Pain claws it's way out

Heart to face

Pain does not make you ugly

it only creates an ugly mask for you to hide behind

Another excuse to be shy

Another excuse to say your depressed

"Have heart my dear

we're bound to be afraid"

But i'm not she said

i'm not afraid to be hurt for your sake

Afterall my feelings are my problems

you need not concern yourself with them

But you are what i feel

and you are making yourself a problem

not in my eyes, but in your own

that hurts more than i can say

The words play in my head

and bubble close to my lips

Love is'nt some arrow from cupid

it's more like a bite from a rabid dog

Your crazy, everything inside you foams at your lips

Your afaid of water

Even if you can't see me right now

I feel you, closer than before

I remember, more than you'd like me to

That is all i could ever hope to do

In these last moments of madness

my last memories of you.

THE PHOTOGRAPH

As we learn to believe in miracles again

You gently let go of my hand

You back away into your pain

And i realise i've lost you again

You don't care about the lives you've made a difference to

You lost your sight

I'm just a mirror

A reminder of your past

So you've found a way to forget it all

Sacrifice me because i made you fall

It's happening so fast

You slash and burn

Break the glass

That's all i am to you now

A photograph.

Idiosyncrasy 1.0

The heart can think of no devotion
Greater than being shore to ocean -
Holding the curve of one position,
Counting an endless repetition.- Robert Frost



He smiled at me, i knew at once there was something wrong. The contrast this time time was not in his features by race but by expression. How could those narrow slits of eyes and wide pink mouth bear to be on the same face right now? He was making them do something very cruel...something they did'nt want to. But who could i believe ? The harshness in his eyes or the welcome in his smile...either one could be false right now.
I was scared of this- my indecision.
Eyes or smile?
Eyes or smile?
Smile or eyes?
Smile or eyes?

I am so stupid! I did'nt have to chose, i should've have known . We were bound together and i knew of his nature by now. No matter how i view him, he will always be the architect of my destruction.
His charms, his allies. His intellect, a standby.
I still remember the first time he changed me. Before love came hate and sometimes before we were bound hate came after love. I realised they were the same.Just different names.....

' Athena always lived between two worlds: what she felt was true and what she had been taught by her faith.'- The witch of portobello

'O, were I loved as I desire to be!
What is there in the great sphere of the earth,
Or range of evil between death and birth,
That I should fear, - if I were loved by thee!
All the inner, all the outer world of pain,
Clear love would pierce and cleave, if thou wert mine;
As I have heard that somewhere in the main
Fresh-water springs come up through bitter brine.
'I were joy, not fear, clasped hand in hand with thee,
To wait for death - mute - careless of all ills,
Apart upon a mountain, though the surge
Of some new deluge from a thousand hills
Flung leagues of roaring foam into the gorge
Below us, as far on as eye could see.'


No one says it better than Tennyson......

I GUESS SO

It's been 10 days since i last spoke to you.I've gone past missing you.
I'm wondering how long can i keep this up. Considering in the past there have been times we did'nt speak for a month or more.
Except that time i really did'nt want to speak to you, this time i have nothing to say.
I suspect i would bore you with my materialistic conversation,never really talking about feeling or feelings.
Are you angry with me right now? I bet you are.
"why is your phone switched off ? Are you avoiding me?"
"my sim is broken..."
"Oh god! who broke it? DON'T LIE?!"
I never got a chance to explain and i was happy because i did'nt want to.Do you honestly think i would reject you that easily, we've been through far too much for me or you to give up. Or does that make it easier?
You have no idea , how my subconscious plagues me with memories of you, every minute it keeps playing , rewinds and replays everything.Each time i notice something new.
If you read this right now i wonder if you'd be amused by my obsessive analysis of our time apart.
This time our cold shoulders not really meant , just a little protection i guess.
And protection never really hurt.
I could hardly care , i guess about everything else.It's all really blurry I can't really remember stuff that well and i slink farther and farther away from reality .
I wait and jump onto the slightest hint of escape. I guess i should say i miss you and this is killing me, not talking to you. But i can't, i can't bring myself to do it.
I need you to be there but be silent .
Speak to me with your eyes, your hands,your lips should not quiver and ruin this.
For this is what i truly miss, unadulterated, heavy, silence.
Where there is no reaction, no action.Where all forces cancel.
Where i can watch from far away as everything crumbles.
Far too dramatic ? I guess so.


p.s-1313131311313131................
for evrything i could'nt say, for evrytime i choked when it meant the most, i know you never come here,I'm sorry at least I GUESS SO.

The chimes make no sense
Paper swirls and no one notices the ballerina inside
"you make walking in converse look like ballet"
Why don't your compliments make me shy?
no one ever noticed me like you
Buses caught and people flee like they know i'm not safe
dust rises higher than i've ever seen
Cover me just let me be, let mothers sheild their children's eyes
lower your head if you want to swear
no one catches you that way
Is it safe to look up?
i'm paranoid and i know it
can i help it you took my sanity and left
I should curse you for it
call down every blasphemy
I should hate you
but i don't.........why?
Am i supposed to overcome this?
i don't get it?
Do you feel the same way?
Is this turmoil mandatory before satisfaction? will i be more satisfied?
do i need it?
Self destruction feels more romantic than all the dried roses i kept
this ranting seems to go nowhere
In circles around my own head
I realise what i'm missing.....you
there's no one to shout at, no one to blame
no one to make up with ......
I can't believe it.
the very words that made me drive you away seem so much clearer.

JUST AFTER A HUG

I let the tune play till there and then answer.
"Hey , _ _ _ _ _"
The moment I say your name the lights go off.
"Your a really bad omen!"
"What?! Why?"
"Because the lights went off I don't have an inverter and I hate candles, so overall ,I'm a little pissed."
"Don't take it out on me"
"Why not?You my beloved _ _ _ _ _ are the sole reason I have been plunged into complete darkness!"
"Uhuh...you are so melodramatic"
"Why did you call me ? coz if you called just to call me names I'll hang up!"
"I can think of tons of things to do in the dark!"
"Like what?"
"Reading a book , listening to crickets , staring at stars........"
"Wait a minute , how am i supposed to read a book in the dark ?"
"My 18 th century lover, you get ibooks now where books can be stored on an ipod , i swear it's embarassing."
"Oh shut up! I don't think I'd fancy reading from a miniscule screen and go blind"
"That would be terrific!"
"Huh! are you crazy? you think it'd be funny to see me bumping into things all the time ."
"No. I just think it would be nice to have an excuse to hold your hand all time.Plus with all the the shades you could wear we'd look so hot together."
"I wish i could hold your hand right now......"
"You are."
"Earth to _ _ _ _ _ I'm holding the phone , you are not my phone , or at least i don't think you are"
"Since when was your name ' Earth' , I just don't get it. And we are I suppose holding our phones so we are are kinda connected so we are kinda holding hands ."
"I like the way you think ."
"Me too"
"You know there are other things people do in the dark"
"Oh really...so we've progressed from me being alone to someone with me?"
"I'm hoping that somebody's me"
"You bet it's you, who else would i whisper and giggle with who else would i snuggle and cuddle with? if it is'nt you , it's not the same."
"I wish i could scribble my favourite phrase in the sky. Join the stars like dots and make little hearts"
"Is that all you think of?Love?"
"I don't care if you think that's stupid.I just do"
"I don't think it's stupid. Love is the only thing worth thinking of"
"I'm glad you echo my sentiments"
"So where are you my little mushy-cushy?"
"I love the name . I'm 3 doors away from you"
"What ?"
I run to the front door to find my tech-savvy, mushy-cushy, starry-eyed lover.
He takes my hand in his.
"Happy?"
"Incredibly. You drove all the way here just to hold my hands."
"Actually i was hoping it could be a little game of joining the dots"
how do you know when i need you?
I pull you into a tight embrace, liking the feel of you and me.
This is incomparable ecstasy . I can't believe this is how I feel just after a hug.

3 MINUTES EXTENDED

"If you love me why don't you let me know?"
Chris i want to yell why can't you just stop asking all these questions
I satisfy myself momentarily in the swiftness of the breeze
hoping whatever i'm looking for will come easily
i don't smile this time i know the answer
again i distract myself from u
this time im surrounded by people who don't know me
is it worth it? to pretend im one of them
to pretend i have no idea you exist and try to be happy
i suppose the difference shows
it's not that easy to unlove someone
especially if that someone is you
i don't know why im trying so hard
but something tells me it's what i should do
if im right about this why do i need to convince myself?
"if you love me why don't you let me go?"
it's irony that someone's 3 minute song
makes me believe what im doing is right
but if i let myself think this is the answer
should i take into consideration the small percent that says we could try to be happy
am i too in to my own head?
i don't know .....but how can i be when all i think about is you?
my problem is'nt self-obsession.....im obsessed with you
who you are, who you think you are, why do you think that way?
why do i think this way?
this is so complicated! why can't i believe we're not meant to be
i realize i've come to think of you as a little lab monkey
i snap my fingers and you do a somersault
i could'nt ever really love you enough as a partner
an equal someone i'd share my calculations with
your like an insanely boring telly show
one im addicted to becoz i can't figure you out
the kinds where you wouldnt give a shit what happened if you were in your right senses
but that's precisely the problem im not in my right senses
this is where the confusion comes in
do you know the question im about to ask?
i bet you do .
chris could'nt help me so i turn to amy
"love is a losing game"
are you supposed to lose? is that what it's about?
give something up for somebody and be happy in this selfless glory
again im thinking too deep
this is where my fight always ends
i give up trying to give you up
i wish i could turn off my brain
just like the lights i hate
into the darkness of my room it dissipates
just like the meaning of love
or at least loving you
i know niether head nor tail.

JUST KIDDING

In love there is always one who kisses
and one who offers their cheek........

"Can you beleve this?!" [you practically shouted in my ears]
"what?" [i asked in complete bewilderment]
"The world is coming to an end in 3 years, Obama is president, Greendays new album is out, IPL is no longer in india and i think i love you"
"Are you serious?" [I don't know how i understood what you said or thought you serious]
"Nah.....I'm kidding" [You say it so nonchalantly like i'm supposed to forget the last thing you said]
"Your always kidding about everything!"
[I know i sound more upset than i should be i turn away from you. i'm embarassed for letting something so stupid hurt me your sly grin slips you look amused]
"hey.....listen"
[I try to get out of the room quickly to hide my face and forget all this ever happened but your hands wrap around my waist and pull me close to you, I don't protest]
"What?? I have work to do!" [I mentally slap myself for sounding rude , but then again you deserve it]
" I DO LOVE YOU!"
"Are you serious?" [ i love mocking you]
I get my answer in the collision of our lips and hips reducing us to a heap of giggling lovesick goo.
"I love you too"

SWIRL

As i look up everywhere

the branched ceiling filters with care

changes everything in sight

for a moment i lose myself in the light

watch swirls as they collide

they're but a simple phenomenon

an understatement of the storm inside

as the light slowly subsides and darkness presides

i marvel as i realise the beauty they both create in this transition of space and time

i know them both well enough

they're part of me eveyday it's the same old game

who'll win over the slave

i lose myself again in the swirls of dark and light

as each hurricane collides

LOVE AND HATE

Im getting really tired of listening to you breathing

theres a lot i want to say theres not much to my feelings

i look at the sky and i am reminded of you

every storm comes from this blue clarity

the tears fall freely i disguise them as rain

as my hands start trembling with hate i wonder if this is it?

when i break down and confess

but the silence still persists i quieten myself to it's likeness

ignore every meaning of this abscence

thinking maybe another million seconds will lead somewhere

i exhale a murmur of all the whispers

a quiet repetition i don't want to remember

the wind brushes across my lips taunting me for sealing them

for my own sake i crawl back into bed but i don't touch you nor do i want to

your eyelids flutter i know they're weary of sleeping next to me

the old fear comes back again of aother blue pair leaving with tears

this time i ignore my conscience no longer

i reach out my gentle touch awakens you

i'm lost this is'nt what i expected

"what's the matter?"

"i could'nt sleep"

you pull me closer your warmth comforts me

we stay this way for a while

"feeling better?"

"yeah"

the sky somehow likes muddy brown as you look into my own you don't frown

all you say is "i know"

your not lying i can tell you amaze me everytime i'm overwhelmed

you could never hate me

butterfly kisses is what you leave me with

a simple trance and there's no waking

we fall into our dreams again

CRUMPLE

I watch the clouds change

As i crumple another paper

It begins to rain

In my head I hear thunder

Is it the same?

The resemblance makes me think so

My wary hand knocks the bottle

My hair now covered in ink

The claps get louder

Illuminated by light

I wonder is it the same?

My imagination picks up

The dustbins an overflowing well

All those papers were filled with tear-stained pain

We both cry

That is where are likeness ends

As you transcend ino calm

I wait for yet another storm to wake

Another cloud crumples away

my soul with it taken

I watch it is my fate.